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Cheating Spouse Archive Search

Cheating spouse is having an emotional affair

Is your spouse having an emotional affair?


What is an emotional affair?

A relationship that usually starts from friendship that develops into something more. When your spouse actually exerts more effort and time into that "friendship" than he does with his normal friends, that is called an emotional affair.

Emotional affairs usually start from friendship, but it isn't unheard of that it starts because one of them initiated it. A cheating spouse could meet someone online, from dating sites that you are unaware of, or more commonly in chat rooms. Their intentions may not be bad or to find someone to cheat on you with, but you have to understand that their relationship may just develop into something more than friendship, especially if they are mutually attracted to each other.

When your husband/wife invests their time outside your relationship and into his new relationship with this other person, they may bond emotionally with each other. They may start keeping secrets from you, your husband or wife may start flirting with them besides confiding intimate details. Or it may be the other way around and the other person may flirt or even seduce your husband or wife. If their friendship begins developing and they both gain stronger emotional bonds with each other, your own relationship with your partner may weaken, you might experience lack of intimacy in your marriage because your spouse is getting their emotional needs fulfilled by someone else.

Some may think emotional affairs are nothing harmful to a relationship, and is not considered cheating, but I tend to disagree. Emotional affairs are like smoking marijuana. Some people argue that it is harmless, but the real harm in smoking weed is it may lead some people into trying out some other types of drugs. It is a gateway drug, just like an emotional affair may lead into something worse, like a husband cheating on you in real life, or your girlfriend developing another relationship behind your back. It is important if you suspect your husband is having an emotional affair that you confront him about it or spy on his computer before you confront him (to make sure you aren't just paranoid), because about half of all emotional affairs turn into real life adultery, cheating, or may even lead to divorce.

Like most people, I find the hardest and most painful part is when you first find out that you are being deceived and betrayed by someone you love and trust. It felt like a whale was dropped on me when I first read one of his conversations with another girl through my keylogger. It caused me lots of pain and anxiety and I could not concentrate on my life, work, or friends. Basically, I holed up in my room crying, and pretended I was fine infront of everyone else. Especially our kids, which was wrong.

An emotional affair does not only happen with your spouse's friends at work, or neighbors, it is also very possible that he has an emotional affair with an online friend (who he may then meet in real life). Be worried if your spouse suddenly stops confiding and getting emotional support from you. Your husband or wife might be having an emotional affair, you should do your best to find out while their relationship isn't strong enough to warrant a meet up in real life.

Once they get bonded and their relationship has developed past the friend level, your significant other is now having an emotional affair. When in an emotional affair, your partner will feel comfortable in sharing his secrets with the other girl, some secrets even you may not know about. Your partner might feel close enough to the other person, and them to your partner, that they both will eventually experience increasing sexual tension, or the desire to take things "serious"; by meeting each other in person.

If you know for a fact that your partner does not openly share their feelings, except to you, and recently they've stopped or you found out they are sharing their feelings, secretly, with someone else, you should be worried. Most cheating spouses don't even know they are cheating because they view emotional affairs as nothing, because there was no physical contact. But most women, myself included, feel differently. It hurts just as much as having cheated on me physically, some cases may hurt more especially if he tells her something he doesn't want to tell me. I'm all for keeping no secrets between couples, and by doing this to me I feel betrayed and deceived.

One of the major factors of a normal friendship developing into an emotional affair is when your husband or boyfriend starts sharing intimate details of his life that goes beyond what he tells anyone else but you.

These are some signs you should look out for if you suspect your husband or wife of having an emotional affair.

Signs of an emotional affair:
  • Your spouse no longer confides in you. And vice versa, you get no emotional support form your husband. This may mean that you have a cheating spouse.
  • Your spouse may keep secrets from you and you start noticing they suddenly put down the phone or someone calls and when you answer they hang up.
  • A common friend (opposite sex usually) seems to know more and understand them better than yourself recently.
  • Your spouse no longer is interested in being intimate, they stopped being sweet, and feels like a completely different person. The need you once fulfilled is now gone, and you almost feel like you are useless to your spouse.
  • The amount of time your husband spends with you seems a lot less compared to the time he spends with his friend. Or if your husband didn't tell you about her, he spends most of his time at the office or away from home.
  • When you are out with your partner, they often flirt with a common friend, or their friend from the office. Sometimes it might not even seem like your spouse notices that they are flirting because they're already so comfortable with the person.
  • You notice your spouse acting like they used to act when you first started dating, or seems like your spouse is attracted to another person, like a schoolboy/schoolgirl crush. If you are unsure whether your spouse is attracted or not, just watch if your spouse is flirting or is acting all giddy around that person you suspect them to be having an emotional affair with.
  • Your spouse may ask you or other mutual friends about the girl or guy he is having an emotional affair with, when are they free, what's their schedule like, etc. Or if they are co-workers, he may spend more time with her than anyone else at work.
  • You discover things about them on your own. They are hiding dates, meet ups, or even work related things. Your partner doesn't want you to know they're working together.
  • When you ask something about their relationship, your husband/wife (applicable to serious boyfriends/girlfriends as well) gets defensive and may even act insulted. Some really good liars are going to do this, act insulted and turn the tables on you and act like YOU are the one who is having a secret internet affair/etc.
  • Your partner actually gets jealous when the other person goes on dates, or spends time with other people.
  • "Oh nothing". When you asked them what they are doing online. Internet affairs are usually the start of emotional affairs because it's just so easy to strike up a conversation with someone online. Once you've gotten used to chatting online with someone, it can become addictive and you will keep looking for that person over and over again.
Some of these are the same as "Signs of a cheating husband", "Signs of a cheating wife", and the long list I have compiled of "60 signs of a cheating spouse", which won't remain 60 forever, as I and readers add more signs to them. Another related reading would be the article linked to the side bar of this blog, "Catch a cheating spouse guide"

Confrontation regarding emotional affairs are always best if done as soon as possible; this is the opposite of what I recommend when it comes to physical affairs. It's easy to prove someone is in an emotional affair, when they both keep talking to each other for several hours a day there's a high chance they are developing one, but it's not so easy to prove someone is in a physical affair because that is usually more secretive and you need solid proof. Bottom line is if you can't prove they are in either a physical or emotional affair, do not confront until you can. 

How do you prevent emotional affairs from happening?



Think of how it started first of all. Your spouse may be flirting with other people because they does not get satisfied in bed, or you never are intimate with each other anymore. The best thing you can do about flirting spouses is to confront them right away while it's early on. Don't wait for an affair to happen. Tell your spouse that you don't appreciate it that s/he is flirting with other people, ask them how he would feel if you started flirting with other men/women.


Come to an understanding that you don't want him/her to flirt with other women/men, and ask them what you can do to get rid of the urges. Sometimes it is as easy as that, and your spouse will apologize and tell you they did not know what they were doing was wrong or makes you feel bad. Sometimes it will be more difficult because they will try to reason it out that nothing sexual is happening. Even if nothing sexual is happening, tell your partner that it hurts you to see them, your spouse, flirting with some other person who is not you.

It is up to you as a couple to come to an understanding, if needed you should see a marriage councilor. The point you must get across clearly is that for your relationship to continue to work properly none of this should continue.

To prevent emotional affairs you must always keep no secrets from each other. Your spouse should feel like he can tell you anything, no matter how bad it is. Sometimes emotional affairs begin when your spouse is simply looking for someone to vent out their frustrations on, or they are feeling like no one, including you, is listening to their problems or needs.

Both of you should let each other know what the boundaries are. If you don't want your husband to be touchy with a girl, tell him that. If you don't like him to hang out with a girl when they are alone, tell him. If your wife lets other guys flirt and talk her up, tell her not to allow it to happen. Same goes for you, it should be equal or it won't ever work. When one of you gets fed up, infidelity starts looking more like an escape to something better rather than something that will hurt the person you love. And if you are always getting cheated on and feel miserable, maybe you should consider ending it if you see no chance of him/her ever changing.

Do things as a couple and keep no secrets from each other. That is the best thing you can do to strengthen you relationship and avoid cheating, or emotional/online affairs. If you think your relationship is seriously in danger, consider going to a couples retreat to prevent emotional affairs turning intimate.

Some of the methods here, such as keyloggers, can help you determine if your spouse is having an emotional affair. Especially if it is done through a computer, online. Read up on the way to spy on a cellphone found here in this site for more info.

Click this to see methods on how to catch a cheating spouse. If you would like to learn how to read text messages and track your spouse's cellphone location please read my mobile/cellphone spy article.

If you have had an emotional affair, you're having an emotional affair, or you've dealt with an emotional affair, please feel free to share your story with us. You can rest assured that everything here is anonymous and no one is going to track you. You can share via comments below, the cheating spouse stories page, or joining the surviving infidelity forums.

Good luck and I hope you work everything out before an emotional affair develops.

118 comments:

Anonymous said...

You should make a "how to hurt your cheating husband emotionally" guide. Because that's what I want to do somuch right now.

Blogger said...

Hurting him won't make what happened any better. The best thing you can do is gather as much evidence as you can and then get back at him, legally, and hopefully gain your full custody of your children. (if you have any that is)

If you don't have any children, don't even waste your time on him anymore if you don't want to continue your relationship with your cheating husband.

You're better than that. Don't let this ruin your life further by wasting time on it.

Good luck,
Kris

Anonymous said...

The hurt never goes away. It has been 2 years and I feel trapped.

Anonymous said...

What about confronting the 'other woman' and telling her to back off????

Blogger said...

That would be up to personal preference/situational. Some of the mistresses do not even know that your husband is married.

I find it easier to not waste your precious time one the other woman and just focus on the important one, your spouse.

Anonymous said...

GWINN SKIDMORE IS A WHORE THAT CHEATED WITH MY HUSBAND OF 15 YEARS. SHE WAS PROUD AND KNEW WE HAD 3 CHILDREN.

Anonymous said...

my emotions eat me whenever i read my husbands online-conversations with his girl co-workers. I can't think clearly and i often find myself confronting him right there and then. He has always convinced me he's not cheating nor flirting. whenever there will be arguments, he'll just walk-out on me. What i'm mad about is that he's entertaining this "flirty conversations" from these girls. He always tells me that he will not fall for it and he's just riding with whatever those girls say.. grrrrrrrrrrrrr! am writing this makes me pissed off more...

Anonymous said...

my husband plays online games makes female chracters and get "comfortable" with all the girls much youger than him, he also chats out of game w them. i just found this out i confronted him and point blank he left me. these girls mostly arnt even legal age. i have 3 kids im heartbroken...this all is soooo true:(

Blogger said...

I'm sorry about that, but what you did is what anyone of us would do. If he doesn't stop chatting up minors at online games, you should report him to the police. He may be a pedophile if he is chatting up young girls on purpose and maybe meeting with them in real life.

Blogger said...

It's a good thing venting out your anger, even if it's just by posting comments.

If your husband does flirt on purpose and refuses to change, maybe you should teach him how it feels when YOU flirt with your guy friends.

Your husband may be telling the truth, if he doesn't show any signs of cheating, then I would just ignore those flirty co-workers. You could always check out some GPS software to make sure, but just watching out for signs will be an easy way to tell if you have a cheating spouse.

Anonymous said...

Where do you get guy friend to flirt with infront of him! Why doesnt he get it that it hurts?.. when he thinks of me flirting in real life in his face like he does to me... he knows that it isnt right..
but he still does it in my face! I want him to know im serious...he needs a dose of his own bull.. how can i do this?

Blogger said...

If he really won't compromise, then you could show him what it feels like when he has his own friends over. You could flirt with them, or wear something revealing that'll make him jealous. Just don't push it too far.

Anonymous said...

I've been married for 10 years been with him for 15 and since I was 15.He is a sociopath.I cannot continue to lie and smile and let everyone think I am ok.I am not.I am dying inside.I can't concentrate on being a mother,or really on anything.He promised never to do it again.I knew he was lying and I stayed.What is wrong with me.On bad days I think "if I had done this" or if I do this he will not do it.Before I knew about the cheating the first time I treated him like a king.Now I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT HIM.WHEN OUR SON DIED HE WAS OUT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.I pray that I finallly have the strength to do this and get on with my life.I pray for everyone else in this position too.

Blogger said...

You shouldn't even think about it then, leave him. He doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry to hear about your son.

Anonymous said...

First of all, sorry for you lost of son.
As the conversation, I feel it because now I am one of the victims of cheated husband. I am sorrow to death, angry and disgust what he has been lying again and again even though we did have a big argument. It has been more than a year and he does not stop. I do every thing I can to have a happy marriage back, still I fail. He wants me to accept easily what he has been cheating! By the way, his mistress knows he is marriaged. I do not understand why there are a lot of women like her in nowadays society!
10 years of marriages is no meaning for him at all. Planning to have a baby, but I have to throw this marvelous plan out forever.
Should I find a new gentleman who care more about me? Besides, he wants me to do that, so he can be with his mistress openly. It sounds crazy, but true.

Anonymous said...

"Should I find a new gentleman who care more about me? Besides, he wants me to do that, so he can be with his mistress openly. It sounds crazy, but true."

Yes! By all means leave the bastard. He shouldn't be that lucky to have you and children. Let him go on wasting his time with filthy women, he shouldn't have your loyalty.

mindee777 said...

What can you do when the other woman is his oldest daughters mom? ugh..

Blogger said...

That's a tough one mindee, I would just treat it as the same thing and ask him to watch the boundaries.

Anonymous said...

Ive read a tonn of text msgs on my boyfriends phone from his "best friend" whom i had never heard of before. About how he wish things would have worked out for them, and that he should dump me and go with someone who will make him happy..we broke up twice because of this and now its happening again...the latest text was her saying that things are developing quicker than she expected an dthat they can not talk anymore..wtf...what am i supposed to do...tell him i read his texts...i dont know anymore..it breaks my heart because he pretends that everything is still great between us while i sit at home and cry...

Anonymous said...

To the poster above me.

I would do what you said, just come clean and tell him you know about it. If it's been the cause of breakups before, then you should confront him while you're still together. If it's out in the open, you can both deal with it together and compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise, you're just wasting your tears and should move on. Have to put it bluntly or you will end up living in denial.

My mom used to tell me crying won't get me anything, and I believe that.

J.

Anonymous said...

This is all if's, buts and maybe's.

All i have read is an emotional affair could lead to this and could lead to that.

I would say that sometimes people like to confide in other people that are not going to judge you. Most of the time this can be best achieved through somebody you dont know.

Yes maybe you will become good friends and not want your partner to know about your new friend as you dont want your partner to get hurt feelings.

Sometimes your partner will not always agree with your emotional feelings and thoughts, just because you turn to somebody that agrees with you isn't a bad thing. Your friend can help you get it off your chest to stop tension building and fight happening within your marriage.

This doesn't mean that it is a gateway to cheating on your partner its just somebody else to talk to.

Anonymous said...

It appears that everyone is catching their spouse using the internet, but with my own I have discovered that my husband talks to a woman (21 years his junior) 6 to 8 times a week on his cell. I got suspicious when he became over protective of his cell and I found that he was clearing his calling history after every call. I called the number and did a reverse number search and found that this is her cell. She is married, so the calls are mainly occuring during her lunch-time and then again on the drive home. I did some sneaking around with a voice recorder (in my car which he drove) and caught a conversation in which she told him that she didn't want any money or gifts from him, but just wanted to "be with him". The call ended with her saying she loved him, would be thinking about him, and was really missing him since she started her new job. He said "I miss you too - big time". Does anyone know what I need to do next? I can't fess up to hiding a recorder under my seat as I fear I'd get in legal trouble, but I need to catch him red-handed. What do I do from here?

Blogger said...

I think you should fess up. Do you really think your husband would sue you? Have you watched cheaters on TV? They put spy cams and microphones all over houses and cars. And you own the car he drives too.

If you really think he'd SUE you then just continue spying on him, wait for them to meet, and then confront the other girl. You could also confront the other girl's husband and tell him that your husband and his wife are cheating and having an affair.

It really all depends on what YOU want to happen. If you want to leave him, then don't bother. If you want to stay with him, I'd suggest confronting him and tell him how you feel and you know about his affair.

If you aren't already doing so, maybe get a keylogger to install at the back of your computer. You can't be sued for putting hidden cams on your property, watch some episodes of cheater.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 15 years got involved with a mutual friend while our preemie was still in the NICU and our older 3 kids and I were staying near the hospital 4 hours away. He must have had a midlife crisis (at 38??) and changed jobs, got a truck, lost 45 pounds, became ADDICTED to his cell phone and his new best friend, the professional homewrecker. This woman was our friend. Our daughters are on the same team and our kids spent countless weekends together. Then she started dating another teammember's dad and their marriage broke up. The homewrecker and this other dad filed for divorce together (she was still married, too). Then she started dating my husband, while she was still dating the other guy (tagteam?) He started 'working late' and taking calls at 2 am and spending weekends at her house, but he'd take my older boys to 'play' at her house. I finally knocked on her door one night when he was there (supposed to be at Tom's watching the game) and asked what was going on. And I threw him out that night. He moved in with her and her daughters and still lives there. But he comes over EVERY DAY. I hate it. I've been a stay at home mom for years and child support isn't enough. His new girlfriend is a pharmacist and he has bragged to mutual friends how much she makes. He has no living expenses now, just fun and games and trips to San Antonio. He was very in-my-face about it. The kids hate him and her. She was our friend.

Blogger said...

That's such a sad story. She'll eventually do the same thing to him, they'll both end up miserable. I hope you are doing better and thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 10 years told me last week that he has not loved me for 3 years. Its true our relationship has not been fantastic during the past 3 years, mainly, I felt because he had a mental breakdown and has been suffering deep depression. I kept things together as a family and gave him the space he asked for, and our relationship as a couple suffered as a result, but all I saw was that I was keeping our family rolling along until he "came back" to us all. Which he is starting to get better with our children at least. When he told me last week he also told me that there was no-one else but that he wanted there to be. In the meantime I have got him to (reluctantly)agree to trying to get the spark back in our relationship and for counselling. He went out with a mate tonight and I happened upon his hotmail account and have found he has been having a longstanding emotional affair with a lady on the internet that he knows that by the look of things would have been sexual if she lived nearby and I see another lady whom he is starting to get to know and it looks like "early stages". I am absolutely gutted beyond words. Do I confront him adn ruin any chance of us reconciling or should I ignore it - for now and see how counselling goes?

Blogger said...

Marriage counseling will cover that. You both just need to be honest during counseling, or you're just both wasting your time. So if he's being dishonest, that's when you should confront him about what you know.

I know how you feel, especially if this is the first time you have seen your spouse getting into a relationship, emotional or physical. It really hurts, but you're lucky he actually wants to go to marriage counceling with you. It means he really wants to change. I wasn't as lucky.

Good luck, hope your relationship gets better.

Anonymous said...

I have been married for 21 years and recently my husband got facebook... MY fault really as I told him to get one. He did and an old friend from grade school/high school found him. Apparently they exchange cell numbers and personal e-mails and I caught him talking to her a lot on the cell and privately. I confronted him immediately and told him that it hurts me. He agreed that it was wrong to hide it and he was sorry he hurt me... Then I caught him on the computer talking to her, although not as private but it is in his office area in the house where I cannot see. I do not know passwords to his e-mails etc... But I told him again, how hurt I am. I saw photos of this chick and she is amazingly beautiful and seems to just be perfect. He's known her since kindergarten, but lost touch when they were juniors in high school. I researched the crap out of her and know a lot of things he didn't even know. She is married and has a 15 year kid. We have 2 kids, a 19 year old and a 14 year old. Apparently she is unhappy in her life and because I have gotten heavy over the years and such our intimacy has diminished to nothing. So he says he feels like he wants to maybe explore what could have been with her or anyone cutie that looks at him and says hi. He started working out after he found this girl and I knew there were red flags. Like I said I confronted him. This was a big wake up call for me. I am now getting myself in shape too and trying to figure out what will happen. He says he loves me and won't leave me and he feels bad that he hurt me, but he won't stop talking to her. I am not sure what I should do. He is recently unemployed. I get it he is bored and depressed and needs someone to talk to. But does it really HAVE to be her??? I do hate her and I don't even know her! What should I do?

Anonymous said...

I'm as so sorry for what all of you are going through. But I am so happy that I stumbled onto this blog. It let's me know that I am not alone out there. I have almost the duplicate of the the woman's story of husband having emotional affair with co-worker 21 years younger than him. I have found countless emails. One telling her things are coming along with us splitting up and how I will get the house and he doesn't want to disrupt our kids lives. (We are in marriage counseling but he is lieing to me and the marriage counselor and saying nothing about divorce!) He is telling his girl that it is hard being single these days and what do girls like her like in a guy. He has shaved his body hair and is scheduled to get hair plugs. He travels a lot and I believe (but have no proof except pic's on cell phone) that he is seeing prostitutes. I have spied long enough. I have the email evidence. I am getting out of this marriage. I am only scared financially. Any advice on where to look to get myself ready for a divorce?

Blogger said...

Do you know what your husband wants you to do? If so, you should compromise and do what he wants (im assuming lose weight) and then he should also stop pursuing women through facebook or anywhere else online. Also, read the Marriage counseling page here and how it should help you and your spouse.

Blogger said...

If you could get recorded videos or phone calls using cellphone/spy cams, it would help you more. But if you think your evidence is sufficient you could go consult with a divorce lawyer, or even get yourself a divorce kit online. I think I'll write more about what divorce kits are in my next post.

Good luck

Anonymous said...

I feel stupid b/c my current husband and I have been together just over a year. We started as just friends at work (we were both married and unhappy) and it turned into an emotional affair. We both left our spouses and once our divorces were final we started dating. We never had sex while we were married, but I think that what we were doing was worse. Well now we moved to a new state far from his family and we are staying with mine until we find a house. We have been here for 2 months and I know that he is depressed. We have always been able to talk openly about our feelings. I had a job when we moved up here and he does not and is having a hard time finding one. He spends a lot of time with one of my younger sisters. I'm the oldest of 9, 7 are girls. I have mentioned to him before that the amount of time he is spending with my sister bothered me. He said that she is home more than me and that is really the only person he knows. Well he hasn’t wanted sex as much as he used to and he told me the other day he wants to get me a boob job. We had talked about new boobs before b/c my boobs never recovered from having my daughter. I took no offense to it at all. But the other day all my family was over for his birthday and 2 of my other sisters saw my husband poke my little sisters boob. She has very large boobs and has no children so they are still where they should be. Also one of my sister’s husbands said something about how much time they are spending together and they thought something is going on. And he is friends with my husband. I was not told this until today. I want to say something right now but then the other side of me says to wait and watch them closely together. If was anyone else but my sister I would not hesitate. Out of all the sisters I have she is the last one that I would expect this from. Any advice would really help!

Blogger said...

You should definitely confront him about it. Have you noticed or are you getting the feeling that he is cheating on you with your sister? Maybe he is prone to have emotional affairs, since you stated that you and him started that way.

If you don't want to confront him about cheating, you should definitely confront him about maintaining personal space, and inappropriate touching. If your sister didn't react when he touched her breast, that's prolly a good sign that they have become close and past the "violating personal space" you get when you are just mutual friends with someone.

Why exactly would you wait? I think we've seen it alot already that if you let emotional affairs/flirting progress long enough, something will happen.

As for getting a boob job, don't do it just to please him. If you don't want to have it, don't. I think that's just wrong being forced/coaxed into getting an operation you don't want.

Anonymous said...

to anonymous with new husband who she now suspects is emotionally/cheating with sister....what goes around comes around...how does it feel now!

sam said...

My husband just told me he has another woman in his life we have been married 18 yrs & 3 kids the youngest being a girl that almost died at birth...this lead me to being very housebound cos it sarted up health issues...anyway this other woman is a high school 'friend' they dated a coupke of times and he eventually foud her on facebook...i dont know her name...i know she lives in Kansas and I found her tel # thru skype which is how he keeps in touch with her....should i call her? and if so what should i say to her?...at this point it is only an emotional affair...she is aware that he told me abut her she was rather surprised..she has 2 kids 16 & 18 yrs been thru many bad ending relationships been married before and ended quiet disastrously...please help me!

Anonymous said...

Is it normal if your husabnd is having an emotional affair to make couple dates with the other woman and her boyfriend to make you feel involved?? I feel like they are playing me so that I don't feel like anything is going on. Is this normanl???!!!! Please help!!!

Blogger said...

Going on double dates? Most probably not unless you feel something is different or he's hiding something from you. But it isn't uncommon for the mistress to be known by the person that is being cheated on. It sometimes is a mutual friend, but I'm not sure if double dating is common.

You should talk to the girl's boyfriend to check up. If your husband and the other girl is flirting, confront him about it.

Blogger said...

I'm so sorry to hear about that Sam, and forgive my late response, I have been tied down by too many things and have had no time for myself lately.

It all depends on the nature of their relationship, if you are absolutely sure your husband is having an emotional affair with his highschool friend, then confront him first. Remind him of the boundaries he should maintain. Why did he call her his "other woman"? Has something happened already that you know of? Sometimes men just say things like that to boost their own ego.

If you are certain your husband is having an emotional affair, and you already confronted him about it and nothing happens, I would call his highschool friend. Tell her exactly what she's doing to your family.

Find out first if there really is anything happening between them. Ask your husband to introduce you to her while he's on the phone with her.

Anonymous said...

I have been dealing with a husband who has depression but has had midlife on top of it for the last 4 years. He keeps going back in time and had connected with an old friend. He claims they are only friends and it's his only friend. Well, it makes me feel uncomfortable because he told me when we were dating about 15 years ago that he had liked her (she was married to his best friend at the time). I have never forgot this and feel now he has worked himself towards an emotional affair with her. It has been torturing me for years, and I have expressed my concerns and feelings but he doesn't seem to care although he treats me good in all other ways. I eventually gave him an ultimatum and now he is staying at a motel to get his head clear he says; however, I seen that they talked on his cell phone. I believe he has intentions to drive the 2 hours away this weekend to see her. I feel compelled to block her number from the cell this weekend, to call her myself (although I am uncomfortable about that), or to go follow him this weekend. Not only does he want to clear his head, he wants an escape for a bit. At this time of his life having connections with her even as a friend is like alcohol or poison to him.

Blogger said...

Giving ultimatums is not the way to go. Do you know why he is depressed? A compromise that I would have offered is you would have no problem if he wants to catch up on old times with his friend, but he should take you with him, or another friend, as long as he isn't alone. I think it's a good compromise especially if you explain to him that his emotions might get the better of him.

You should tell what you just posted to him, and explain that emotional affairs are what causes most physical affairs to start.

Sorry for the very late response, work has been getting the better of me. Good luck.

Nats said...

I am so glad that I found this blog. I did not know who to turn to as people may think that I am being irrational.

My partner of 6 years has developed what I think is an unnatural relationship with his new assistant. He keeps telling me how attractive she is and he spends a lot of time with her. He tells me that they are good friends and he is spending time with her because she needs someone to confide in as she is having problems with her husband. He took the kids to her house the other day to play and spent 2 hours having coffee. I was not invited with. He met her at the office on a Sunday and afterwards she sent him a text message saying "thank you for listening". He responded with "I am here fo you anytime you need to talk". He says that I am being ridiculous. I don't know what he tells her or whether he is sharing details of our relationship with her. I can only guess. Now I have found out that she is planning a birthday party for him. When I suggested that we have people over for a birthday celebration he suddenly said that he had to be away for work for the weekend. I have no proof, but my gut tells me that something is not right. He seems distant and does not spend time with me. He blames this on work stress.
I don't know what to think and I am very sad. I often spontaneously burst into tears.
Our sex life is very vibrant and I have felt that there is nothing lacking from the relationship.
I look after his 3 children which his ex wife left with him and have taken on a lot of responsibility in the family. I have seen him through very bad financial times, supported him when he was retrenched and stood by him when he started his own company.
He no longer confides in me and when I ask when we can spend time alone away from the children, he says that I am nagging him and he is very busy with work.
Lately he has accused me of being resentful and hating the children and he keeps saying that he can see that I am planning on leaving them.
None of this is true as I love the children very much. They had a very hard time when their mother left and they never see her. I have never been a mother, but I have done my best to give them a stable home.
I love him very much and we have had to overcome many obstacles in our relationship.
It breaks my heart to think that he is bonding with this woman.
I am lost and I don't know what to do or think or feel.

Blogger said...

Hello Nats, have you confronted him about it and told him how you feel? Just tell him what you just posted, and let him know how you feel that he lets her confide in him but he doesn't confide in you.

I think if he is genuine in wanting to help this other person, then he should involve you. Maybe not take you over when they have talks, but at least confide in you. Tell you what they talked about, or ask you for your opinion. The other woman clearly is undermining you, by throwing him a party. She should at least ask your permission, or involve you.

If you HAVE confronted your spouse, then maybe you should take him to marriage counseling. You shouldn't have to feel miserable because of anyone.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 14 years and I had major problems in the past year. (finances,jobs,children)A month ago I got up in the middle of the night and viewed my husbands iphone emails etc. I found out he was having some emotional relationship with a coworker. I immediately confronted him, he flew off the handle. Before he put a password on his iphone I intercepted a email from her stating she had a dream about him and that it looks like they were stuck together. I responded on his phone "please do not have dreams about my husband its unprofessional." She took all day to respond and said if it matters Im gay. Now I am looking to get back into his email.

Blogger said...

If you haven't already found them, there are posts here on keyloggers and sim card readers.

And that dream comment I think means they're pretty close, since you don't normally dream of coworkers and then TELL them about it. Also, it's a tell tale sign that your spouse is hiding something because of the way he reacted when you confronted him and when he put passwords on everything.

I'd talk to him and ask him to be honest cause you want to work on the relationship before trying anything else. (like installing keyloggers on the pc/using simcard readers on his phone).

Anonymous said...

I see almost all comments are from women, so I will tell my story as the deceived husband.

My wife since 16 years went to Jakarta for work during 5 months. Except for the Xmas, when our daughters and I went there to see her, we didn't see each other during all that time.
Initially we spoke a lot per phone, but gradually she had less and less time for that, spening more time with friends.

Though I was happy she was making friends I also asked her to not let that stop our conversations. I also felt I needed her support during this time as I had some problems with my work I needed to talk with her to share my worries.
After having asked her three times to take some time to talk with me (normally she made short calls saying she was in the taxi going somewhere, or just arrived and was too tired to talk etc...), she told me that she had no intention to stay home just to talk with me, as she wanted to be among people.

When she came back, I noticed her different, and soon enough I found her hiding conversations with a male friend of hers.

The tone in the e-mails were very friendly, and a little compromising, as he called himself her "admirer", asked for photos of "her wonderful smile" and explained how he waited "patiently for her to return".
My wife reminded him of his promise to be her "dive buddy" when she returned (she had taken the license while there, that's how they met), to which he said that his promise always would stand.

Short thereafter my wife started to talk about going to Indonesia on vacations, diving, without me.

I confronted her regarding the e-mails and she claimed they were just friends, and she had no intention to go diving with him (that was "just something she had said" - without being serious, she told me).

I told her that if they were just friends I would like her to be open about their conversation, and stop all the flirting/flattering. Alternativally to stop the conversation completelly. (this was in May).

To make a long story shorter, I'll just mention the two latest rows we have had on this.
In september I hadn't seen or heard anything on that guy for 2 months and when asking my wife she told me that they had no contact any longer. Two days after I found a load of e-mails and she admitted that they had conversations various times a week.

I was really angry and we argued a lot. She promissed to, from then, be honest with me regarding their relation and tell me if they had any more contacts. We even went to counceling. Also there she promissed to be open with me if there were any more contacts with that guy.

Still, just a week ago, I found a chat where the guy started with "Hi my love" and thereafter they chatted for a while before switching over to the phone a talk. Obviously they had retaken the contact some weeks before, without telling me.

I don't know what to do any longer. I love her I seriously don't think she wants this marriage to end. But she is destroying it. I have problems trusting her.
Now she is very sweet with me. She is planning a trip to Paris for us two and, once again, she has promissed to stop lying. She understands that I am having some trust issues, but also she has no patience with me when my questions pops up (which they did all the time the first days, and a little less now).

I have no idea of how to make her understand that she has behaved bad (she always claim she didn't do anything wrong and it's more like she is doing me a favor when she promisses me to be honest).

And I have no idea of how to regain my trust in her.

Blogger said...

Hi.

Did you continue marriage counseling? Did you bring it up in marriage counseling that you KNEW she lied even after marriage counseling? Looks like she is not taking it seriously, the marraige counseling or your relationship.

If she won't come to a compromise with you, then I don't think you can save your marriage. Tell her bluntly that she's destroying your marriage, and your trust in her. The only alternative to that is well, accepting that she is in a phase in her life and forgiving her later on. But most people can't forgive their cheating spouses (emotional affair or physical affair).

If I was in your shoes I'd tell my spouse that I can't take all the lies anymore and end the marriage. (that is what I did with my former spouse of 4 years, I also caught all their texts/emails/chats so I was 100% sure he was cheating)

Feel free to post again, it's good to vent your feelings. Sorry for the late replies, I've been busy alot.

Anonymous said...

My husband told me 2 months ago that he doens't love me and never has. I was devistated. He agreed to go to counseling for me, to help me deal with what was happening, not to fix our marriage. He has sworn there is no one else but he wanted to opporunity to "find" love with someone else, he wanted out. We have a 7 year old and a 6month old baby. I was blindsided by this, I had no idea. I thought he was going crazy, I couldn't understand. Last week I found out that he is having an emotional afair with one of his guitar students mother's. I looked at our phone records and he talked to her for 98 minutes the night he told me. This all happened so fast. I have not confronted him about her. I am afraid. He has made a commitment to stay with me until our debt is paid off in May. I need this to happen fo rthe financial future of my boys and myself. I also want our marriage to work, but he says he is done. We are still intimate and we do many acitivies together, he says it is out of friendship. I don't know what to do. I am so lost.

Blogger said...

I don't know what to say to that except you can not force someone to be with you if they do not want to. I would just try to move on and look for someone else, if he said he never loved you and meant it you have to force yourself to move on.

It'll only get more difficult in the future if you try to convince him to stay with you. I'm sure he'll still be in touch with you and support your kids financially, but I think the best thing to do is just move on. He also seemed to make it clear that he does not want to fix the relationship.

Not trying to be mean, I'm just really blunt because I know what it feels like deluding yourself thinking it's going to be alright. Sometimes it does work out, but majority of the time the trust is too far gone or we can't find a compromise and we just have to move on and divorce our spouses.

Anonymous said...

Replying to your post. I found out last night he is having a full blown affair. This all started Sept 29th. He does not know that I know. I do not believe him when he says he never loved me, this is not how he acted or treated me. Our 6 month old baby was planned, we tried to get pregnant for 2 years. I know I can't convince him to stay with me no mater how much I want our family to work, but it is killing me. Our kids do not deserve this and all for another woman. I want to be strong and I want to tell him to leave but I can't. I can't trust what he says about our finances or anything else because everything he has said in the past 2 month has been a lie. I appreciate your advice, i will take anymore that you have to send my way.

Anonymous said...

To that guy who has a cheating wife,

PLEASE DUMP HER. That is the path I took with my husband.

My experience is almost the same as you, but my husband worked at japan. Now he has moved there and I left him because of his workmate.

Jen

Blogger said...

That's all I can suggest, other than asking help from your family with finances or even living with them until you get back on your feet. It's either he is in a phase and will come back to you, or you just have to accept it and move on.

Don't get stuck in a rut and expect him to return, you need to move on. Staying depressed won't be good for you and your kids.

Anonymous said...

My husband is in an emotional affair with a woman (married) who used to work in his warehouse complex. The doubt of their relationaship started one day when we both were sitting on the couch and his cell phone rang and I hear plainly this woman saying " your wife must be near you dont sound the same" He answers, " yes and she can hear everything u are saying" The phone goes dead. It is now 2 1/2 years later and it is still continuing. I have told him MANY times this relationship makes me uncomfortable, numerous counseling sessions w/our pastor and 3 times he tells her he has to stop talking to her then couple of days later it starts all over again. He keeps his cell phone by him at all times, keeps it on silent mode. I checked cell phone bill,The text messages between the 2 of them all day is insane. It will go on all day, thru the nite.Im wondering how he gets his work done all day. It never stops. Ive even confronted her and told her to stop but she says they are just friends. He claims they are best friends. They have only known each other for about 3 years now. Im tired, Ive asked him to leave, he wont. I dont want to be intimate with him any longer. Im stuck. Please help!

Blogger said...

You asked him to leave, meaning you don't care anymore and want to end the relationship with your husband? Just get a divorce. You could hire an attorney or just get a divorce kit online. I'd go with the attorney if he refuses to sign, or gets violent around you.

Don't ever think you're stuck, you can always leave a relationship you don't want to be in.

Anonymous said...

Finally...people who understand what I'm going through. Twice now I've caught my husband in a texting/sexting relationship with the same woman..someone he met online. He swears that it's just "bullshit" and he has no intentions of ever meeting her, etc but it just kills me inside.

When I confronted him, I told him that what he's doing is having an affair, but he disagrees. I told him that he needs to put an end to it, so he did text her and tell her I found out (again) and it had to stop. That night he told me that his phone is now passworded so that I won't be tempted to snoop. Does anyone see the logic in that? He says that he's hurt that I invaded his privacy and that's why he locked the phone.

I'm on my last leg here. He told me that he doesn't want a divorce so I'm thinking of insisting that we go to marriage counselling. He really doesn't see any of this as wrong. Half of me is temped to do it to him so he gets a taste, but the other half of me says don't.

This so sucks. Thanks for listening.

Blogger said...

Marriage counseling is the right choice. Doing it to your husband will just make things aloooot worse.

I see your point, passwording his phone just makes it seem like he just lied to you and hasn't stopped anything. You're right in confronting him and making him end his emotional affair, maybe try to get him to counselling to patch up the mistrust building up in your relationship.

I don't see why he wouldn't trust you though, since he was the one who has having an emotional affair and I don't believe you have to hide stuff from your spouse.

Joanne said...

Hi everyone!

My husband walked out on me New Year's Day after a very tense few months. After nearly 10 years of marriage he admitted he was seeing someone else.

He left me in the flat which is good because I have all my creature comforts here and luckily after some cuts in spending earn enough money to afford the mortgage and bills.

After some back and forth with his new girlfriend, he insists he wants to try again and I have said no. I still love him but he has been moodier and moodier the past couple of years and getting worse with managing money and more arrogant. He started to put me down in front of people and was constantly texting and chatting to this girl on Facebook. I had my suspicions and it was a relief to finally discover the truth.

What had made a big difference to me is not thinking about what he thinks of me or whether he loves me but instead, I am starting to think about what he can offer me if we got back together. At the moment the answer is very little and it has really put things into perspective and given me back my personal power - that feels good :)

Yes I have some very emotional days. Tonight I sobbed all the way home from work in the car but I also have days where I am glad to be rid of the stress I felt when he was living here.

I know time will heal and I'm not sure we can ever get back together unless he has a personality transplant - I feel like he is a stranger. He is not the man I married any more and that breaks my heart but I know I just have to work through it and give it time.

My hardest thing is that he keeps on at me to give it another try and although I would love us to stay friends, I am just not willing to rush back into anything. I need my space to think and just 'be me'.

So to all of you out there - and yes it is a comfort to ready your comments and know that I am not alone - please start putting yourself and your children first. Start to consider your own needs and ask yourself what he / she can really offer you. Take back your power and good luck to all of you in getting the happy life and peace of mind that we all deserve.

Big hugs xxx

Blogger said...

Great post, thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...

Two years ago my husband moved to another state for a new job. I had to stay behind for 6 mos. to clear up some odds and ends. We talked on the phone every night for at least an hour. During that time I went to visit him twice and he flew home once, but I knew something was different. He talked about this woman he worked with all of the time! He told me how she really helped him when he was new there because her desk was right next to his, but I had a strange feeling about it. When I would call him at work, he was very cold and business like on the phone. He had never been that way before EVER.
When I finally made the move,he seemed happy to have me there, but I felt like I was a guest in his life.
About two months later I had to pick my husband up at work because his car was being repaired, I happened to have our dog with me in the car, and he invited this woman out to meet the dog, because she used to have a dog of the same breed and it died the year before. She came out to the car and was very cold, she would not make eye contact with me and stood outside of the car next to my husband, by the passenger side the whole time. It made the hair on the back of neck go up. When I confronted him about it he said well I had to convince her to come out, she said I don't think that is a good idea!
Two weeks later the company sent my husband out of the country on business, they gave him a company Blackberry to use overseas and when he got home I looked at the phone when he went to bed. It was password protected, but he is not too creative so I was able to figure it out and there were all kinds of e-mails to and from this woman. It was very friendly, but not sexual in nature. Just things like I really miss you, and he would sign his name with love. It sent me over the edge so I confronted him. He really saw nothing wrong with it. I asked him to stop talking to her and e-mailing her,he agreed but he never did. She and her husband sat with us at the Christmas party that year and she would not look at me or talk to me, but she talked to my husband. They don't work in the same office together anymore but are still with the same company, he is not affectionate with me at all anymore and he told me recently that the reason he did not have our wedding picture up at work when they were in the same building is because he did not want to upset her. He now has it up in his new office. She is also married and I have heard that she and her husband have been trying to have a baby this whole time! What the heck is going on? I am so confused. I refused to sit with her at this years Christmas party, but she made sure that she and her husband sat right behind us, and her husband kept getting up and going to the bar and he would stare at us and give us dirty looks. I have no idea if my husband even slept with her,he swears all he has ever done is hugged her once, but who knows?
I am his second wife, we have been together for 12 years, his first wife had an internet affair and they divorced. I met while he was in the process of the divorce. I keep thinking he is punishing me for what his first wife did to him, but who knows.
It just seems he can't get her out of his mind! She is 20 years younger than him and nice looking and I am sure that makes him feel good, to have this younger woman attracted to him, but I know that she also flirts with another mas at work too. I am not sure that mans wife has a clue. What can I do to stop this once and for all? We have had some pretty ugly fights over it. He just does not understand how this makes me feel. I asked him how he would feel if I did that to him and he says he would not like it at all! I mean what can I do to make them break contact once and for all. They do not work on the same project anymore so there is no need for business contact either. Thanks for letting me vent. Any comments would be appreciated.

Blogger said...

"I asked him how he would feel if I did that to him and he says he would not like it at all!" Wow this is really selfish of him! He understands what he is doing is wrong, but still continues to do it? How long has this been going on? Have you considered that this is just a phase he's going through? A Mid life crisis thing perhaps?

You should tell your spouse he is having an emotional affair, just like his first wife had an "internet affair"(that's considered an emotional affair). If you don't stop an emotional affair it will slowly work it's way up into a "real"(physical) affair, like it's sort of happening now with them having already hugged.

If I were in your place I would talk to the girl, since you said your husband doesn't stop and you fight about it and he still refuses to stop. I would confront either the girl, or the girl's husband. Tell him his wife is having an emotional affair with your husband.

And I do not think two people who are married to different people should ever be saying things like "I really miss you" and signing emails with "Love," to each other. That is clearly an emotional affair and you need to let him know you won't stand for it.

If finding a compromise does not work, why don't you tell him you'll leave him if he doesn't stop his affair? Just don't act desperate or your spouse will know that he can get away with what he wants and will just eventually control, manipulate or ignore what you say. In a section of Amy Waterman's course, she writes that desperation usually leads to being abused, either physically or mentally, and that emotional affairs are one of the signs that lead to divorce.

What is your husband prepared to do? Do you think if you told him to go with you to marriage counseling, he would agree? I would ask him to do marriage counseling with you, or I would try an alternative to marriage counseling that you can do with or without him. Read what amy waterman's course can offer you, if you're interested, and if you can get your husband to go with you to marriage counseling (which is a bit better, but also more costly than the marriage counseling e-course), google "marriage counseling *your city*" to get local results.

Thank you for venting, it also benefits future readers to know they aren't alone. Hope you get to fix your marriage

Anonymous said...

Wat happens to a Husband with a suspicious wife? She suspects me of everyone : right from having affair with the Domestic Help, on way to Office on the Bus / Train, with my Office girls, With my male friends, with my sis-in-law, with the department stores sales assistant I have never met before.
She thinks I am a pervert and always keep staring at woman, let it be the maid in the house or outside any girl. She thinks that I am trying to work out a conversation with every 2nd girl walking on the street....... I am really fed-up. And also she forwards me a link to this "CHEATING HUSBANDS BLOG"....... On her end she can keep all the passwords on her phone / emails, she can talk to any damn Male on the earth... joke with physical gestures with Waiters, shopkeepers, have male friends over the internet and also meet them in person (I do not do any sort on I-net chatting....)
Her male friends have come to the house at hours past midnight ... that too infront of me...
Just not to create a Havoc in the house I ignore a lot of things.... when it comes to her. Bcos of her extreme suspicious nature, i have stopped calling from home to my relatives ... my parents, my bro, my sis-in-law, my cousins who stay in the same city etc etc... bcos i know each time there would be 20 different questions asked and then would be some negative remark on my family side which will end in an argument. To avoid any altercations I avoid speaking about my friends / relatives etc in front of her... which she relates to YOUR LOVELY BLOG SITE and comes back on me saying I am having an affair outside.
On smallest of pretext she gets suspicious, even if i am at work and in a meeting... if she calls me I shall say very softly "Call u later as I am in a meeting" then she wants to with whom, who else there .. why no sound coming etc etc..... S
So I would request ALL you Woman's there to kindly alos consider cases of this sort and dont be biased only for your sex.
Any husbands there who are experiencing similar situations in their married life.....

Blogger said...

I'm sorry if your wife is being unfair, but there is nothing I can do about the blog's title. I made this along time ago, in 2008. Back then we only talked about cheating husbands, because that's what we were dealing with. Now we get all sorts of visitors, not only women who were cheated on, also men.

This site isn't meant to be biased, it just has different articles related to different problems for both wives and husbands. We can't change the title of the blog either.

Maybe you should take your wife to a marriage counselor in your area if as you say she gets suspicious without any reason. There have been lots of other male viewers of this site, it's not just females. You can read some of the comments here or at the cheating spouse stories section.

We aren't biased at all. If everything you said is true, then she might have insecurities that a marriage counselor would help with. It's great that you are patient and understanding with your wife, and she should appreciate that and the fact you took time to read what she linked you.

Anonymous said...

My husband often times slaps his FEMALE co worker's butt. I thought them being all chummy with each other was an emotional affair, I guess this is worse.

Even though I can't find proof (I know his email password) I still didn't try monitoring his cellphone. What do you think I should do. anyone?

Anonymous said...

My spouse won't go to marriage counseling with me!! I have yelled and made it clear I wanted to but he just won't go. How should I convince him?

Frsutrated Husband... said...

Hi, Thanks for posting my Unfair" Suspicious wife... " thing on the Blog. I hope she reads and realises how patient her spouse is with her.

I am sure she will not go to the Marriage counselor on my request. I hv tried to get support from her relatives / aunts etc but all has gone in vain.
This whole attitude of hers is isolating me from my relatives / friends / siblings etc etc... and also affecting my self confidence at work.
Hope i can find some solution.
Thanks again.

Blogger said...

Hello again,

Sounds like you are trapped and miserable in your relationship. Why are you putting up with the emotional abuse? If she won't go to marriage counseling, won't find a compromise, and keeps doing things she doesn't allow you to do, I would leave her. Find someone who will treat you FAIR.

And we post all comments as long as they are civil, and don't contain personal information.

Feel free to post

Anonymous said...

Frustrated Husband, I am in the same place as you. I threatened to leave her and moved out of the house temporarily. She won't stop calling me now and feels like I'm in control. I will leave her if nothing changes

Anonymous said...

Hello Again from the Frustrated Husband with a Suspicious Wife.
Well .... to yr suggestion why not leave her:
a) Have a cute lil toddler between us.
b) The feeling that her life wud become miserable without me (Financially / Materialistically).
c) At times I feel that there will be a day where she shall u'stand her flaws and transform
d) Most of all I love her.
Now I am on a Business Tour and she feels that I hv planned it out just to relax (being away from her). I am in some Godamn corner of Korea where there is nothing as far as entertainment is concerned, and with sub-zero temperatures. But she still keeps the taunting on the phone - "Oh... so u are relaxing... have all the time to watch TV.... how many girls in the Office u visiting... can here a womans voice behind u.... u are sitting in the Hotel lobby because u want to flirt with the receptionist... " and I must report to her when I am back in the room, when I leave the room, when i leave and am back from Office etc etc.... don't know wat to do. i am so confused.
And ofcourse all the other taunts ... u dont want to take responsibility of the baby and have left her (my wife) to handle etc etc....I cannot hang the phone, bcos if i do then she goes berserk and then it worries me being so far away. I love her ... I hate her....how to remove the negativity and suspicious traits thats filled inside her.
Ofcourse now i am in korea and am missing her. Thanks to her again for introducing me to this blog.... it helps me Vent out!
so long then.

Blogger said...

Well what he said about "threatening" to leave her is kind of too drastic and if you don't mean it, don't say it because she might call you on your bluff and end up leaving you. I'd only "I'm leaving you" if you really are prepared to leave her.

But I don't agree with you bending to her will all the time. It's great that you love your spouse, very very few people that will put up with what you put up with. Most people cannot deal with their spouse's insecurities.

"c) At times I feel that there will be a day where she shall u'stand her flaws and transform"
I'm sure that will happen, but you should try and "speed it up" by finding a marriage counselor in your area. Some of her fears are very irrational and since there's zero evidence that you have ever been disloyal, there's zero reason for her to suspect anything.

Maybe other GIRLS flirt with you, and she notices it? Even if you don't flirt back, she may consider that as you flirting? It's not your fault btw, if girls flirt with you, it's how you react that matters.

I hear korea has lovely places. You should take your wife on a surprise vacation after business!

Anonymous said...

How to tell if husband is having an affair? A real one where they are having intercourse.

Blogger said...

The signs your husband is having an affair could be the same signs listed here, for emotional affairs. If you want more signs of cheating, not necessarily emotional, look at the post titled 60 cheating signs.

Anonymous said...

how can you tell if your husband is having an emotional affair with someone he knew before me and was his ex girlfriend. they were very close even before he knew me

Anonymous said...

Fiance is having an emotional affair. Threatened to not marry him if he doesn't come clean. I found out about his internet chat logs and he has talked about me with this female and she was urging him to leave me for someone who "deserves him"

Even though the keylogger i hate only captures the transcript I still know they were on cam chat because he keeps saying how beautiful she is.

I will not marry him if he keeps up his emotional affairs

Anonymous said...

how to know if your spouse is having an emotional affair and im not just being paranoid?

Anonymous said...

How would you know if your husband is flirting through text messages?

Anonymous said...

how to know if affairs if it's real?

Anonymous said...

What to do if your husband on dating site? How do I approach this situation? Should I go all out and blatantly accuse him of cheating?

Anonymous said...

how do you know if your wife is still having an emotional affair? I confronted her already but I don't trust her. After I work I KNOW she is using the computer. How do you really know that she isn't on facebook again talking to her mate from middle school? im so frustrated because this shouldnt be happening. Ive been nothing but a good husband to her for six years. we spend time almost every day just dedicated to her needs, i even put up with her narrow minded cu** of a mom.

Carol said...

What to do when your husband has an affair with someone he knew for a loooong time even before you? whenever we three are together I'm the one who feels like the third wheel in our relationship. She also lets my husband put his hands around her shoulders or waist and I told him already that it bothers me when he does that because she's not his wife, I AM.

Carol said...

Mindee777 that is called INCEST. That is absolutely wrong and you should yell at him as much as you can. That is wrong on so many levels. I think they could be breaking the law in some states because incest is illegal

Carol said...

"Well he hasn’t wanted sex as much as he used to and he told me the other day he wants to get me a boob job."

WHAT A PIG. I hope that you dumped his ignorant ass. Get a real man.

B said...

Is my husband having an emotional affair if he carpools everyday with a woman he known for several years?

Blogger said...

"She also lets my husband put his hands around her shoulders or waist and I told him already that it bothers me when he does that because she's not his wife, I AM. "

Tell him again. Put your foot down and tell him to stop it or you'll leave him. It's disrespecting your boundaries. Ask him what it would feel like if you became close with a guy friend, and allowed him to put his hand around you.

Blogger said...

Poster @8:32
Carpooling alone with a woman doesn't mean anything at all unless you've seen them physically touching inappropriately or something like that.

Blogger said...

"What to do if your husband on dating site? How do I approach this situation? Should I go all out and blatantly accuse him of cheating? "

Yes, I would. Catching him on a dating site is another story than catching him on say, facebook where he just checks his friends out. Catching him on a dating site means he WANTS to make new female friends.

Anonymous said...

I think about husbands emotional affair everyday. It never gets better, it's been 4 months.

Anonymous said...

can't forgive husband of emotional affair. when i see he's face I get mad and remember it all again. anyone think i have no hope of recovering?

Blogger said...

Posters @ 2:04 and 2:34
Give it more time, and do things that are enjoyable to both of you.

If you haven't already, seek help from a professional marriage counselor or take an online eCourse.

Anonymous said...

@Carol
No it's not. Name one state where incest is illegal?

Before you think it, NO, I am not some redneck who is married to his sibling.

Just saying love is love, some people find that kind of love with their brothers or sisters.

Anonymous said...

My husband is a flirt and had an emotional affair. He apparently blames me for it saying I keep choking and nagging him. Baloney!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog and I agree with you on all counts but I find you missed out on one important thing, and that is what drives one partner to have an emotional affair to begin with. I have been accused of having both an emotional affair and a real affair and my wife conveniently left out the fact that what she did drove me to that. I ask you now, can someone be blamed for having an emotional affair when his own wife belittles and berates him at every point, when she would rather spend hours and hours talking on the phone to her parents, sister and brother when her own husband is in the next room asking for some time. When she's been confronted again and again and asked again and again not to do the things mentioned above and refused to listen. You''re a crash scene investigator in a road tragedy of life, perhaps you should focus too on what a partner needs to do to prevent the other from seeking this affair. I know because every single asshole that my ex wife talked to said the same things you did but none focused on what she did wrong. time to fair. Nothing happens in a marriage unless both parties do something, no one person has all the blame, both share the same burden. You need to address this.

Blogger said...

I do actually, I mention it several times, also in the comments. I even tell wives to support their husbands who want to watch porn (because some are so sensitive about it they don't allow it, which is wrong) or to help them live out one of their fantasies.

I know it should be give and take, within boundaries. I know some spouses cheat because they are so miserable and want out of their relationship.

Maybe take counseling since you are finding it difficult to compromise? If your wife belittles and berates you, that's as abusive as if you physically beating her. I would take counseling if we can't workout a compromise on our own, or just leave her.

Never force yourself to be in a miserable relationship. If you scroll above, I said the same thing to the husband from singapore. Don't let anyone abuse you, even if they are your spouse.

Anonymous said...

my husband is texting this girl to the extreme. i count every hour that passes he texts her at least half the hour. he won't show it to me but i've seen them together in real life during parties.

its like he has a crush on her and her on him. they both smile almost everytime they are together. they look and act giddy around each other, i feel so hurt because i told him it makes me jealous but he doesn't do anything about it. i want time from him but he doesn't pay me full attention because of that damned cell phone

Blogger said...

Poster@9:18
That does sound like they are attracted to each other. But since you don't know for sure, they could be talking about something important, or he may have different text mates? Lack of details, you might want to make sure first before accusing him of having an emotional affair.

Do they flirt/are touchy with each other? If they are I would remind your husband of his boundaries, and tell him it bothers you that he's letting her be touchy, or he's initiating the touching.

I always suggest gathering proof of infidelity before confronting your spouse, because that would just make things worse if your confrontation is based off of nothing but "signs".

The signs of a cheating spouse, or the signs of an emotional affair listed above are not, and should not be your basis for confrontation. They are just a guide to help you decide if you should take action and seek actual proof.

Of course it's a different thing when you actually catch them on dating sites.

Anonymous said...

My husband stopped his secret six year affair with the other woman and told me he really loves me and not her, but is that because he was caught? I don't know how to feel and don't completely trust that he really loves me or that he stopped the affair. I feel so STUPID it has been going on for the past six years

Anonymous said...

I suspect when my husband goes overseas he sleeps with working girls.

I don't know what to do, he always starts yelling when I ask about who he spends time with, cause I know he stayed an extra week in singapore.

Anonymous said...

my husband had an emotional affair and blames me because i work too much. I have a feeling he feels demasculated because I am now the bread winner of the household since he got fired recently, and has not been able to get a job since. it's funny that it is now my fault when he was working he started yapping about how life would be so much easier if i used my degree to contribute to our income and now that I AM working, he complains.

first I don't work, my husband complains, now i do work, my husband complains. its like he is using me as his personal punching bag / stress release ball and I'm about to crack. I love him so much but he can't stop blaming me for all OUR problems. it's never "we" it's just "you" did that wrong, you did this, you can't stop working, you don't have time for me. You you you.

While HE is the one having an emotional affair, and not contributing anything but making me feel depressed at our current life situation. I don't know what to do. Marriage counseling is out of the question currently because of our financial standings, we even have loans taken out just to get by.

I would soldier on in our times of trouble but this emotional affair that's been going on, -even after I found out- is leaving me with a cloud hanging over my head. I hate it and my current life. ugh.

Anonymous said...

husband won't talk, goes out all day on sunday alone. "alone", i suspect they(childhood sweetheart) are meeting behind my back. i caught them at a cafe one time, and he won't on and on about how it was innocent and their friendship is completely platonic. I don't believe it one bit

Anonymous said...

I am married for 3 years and half now and last October i found out that my husband emotionally cheating on me, i told him i knew that but he keeps lying and says nothing happened she is just friend he was chatting with her on online games then they now emailing each other,and she is sending emails like i am worry about you and my hurt worry about you and when i tell him, he says we just friends, and i stopped contacting her anymore then i found out more emails from her and he keeps lying, i left him because he ignoring me and treats me badly but in my culture and religion i can not get divorse and everytime i think about it i get so angry because i loved him soooooooo much and he gave his emotions to some one else, i can not get over it and continue my life becaus iam trapped with his marriage because i can not get divorse, how can i get over what he did to me? it hurts sooooooooooooooooooo much.

Blogger said...

Poster@ 10:17PM

If he treats you "badly" and lies about his relationships, then you really shouldn't put up with it. Ask him to go to a counselor with you, or figure out a compromise between yourselves.

I did not know that in some cultures/religion you are NOT allowed to get a divorce. Your post isn't very clear though because the only thing you mentioned was "he gave his emotions to someone else".

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the answer.
sorry that my post is not clear enough and excuse my English not very good.
he did not want to go to counselor and he NEVER compromise about anything ((i tried many many times to compromise)) he is SO STUBBORN and that was one of our major problems which i tried so hard to deal with it for the last three years and half, and he never likes to get any other opinion or listen to any one else as if he lives in this world alone, that is why i am asking myself why he got married in the first place.
i just need to know how to get over him emotionally and continue my life specially that i am trapped in this marriage, it hurts my feelings so much what he did to me.

Blogger said...

Poster@1:05

Hi again, if you've tried to come to a compromise, and it didn't work, I would usually think it was time for a divorce. But like you said, divorce is NOT an option, then I would go to marriage counseling on my own.

I'm honestly stumped, because a breakup is what should happen when one party feels trapped, and the other refuses to change; but it seems that both is not possible for you.

If you really can't find a way to get a divorce, can't you just move out and be unofficially separated? If you can support your self financially, I don't see why you can't move out and get your own place, so you can live your own life without feeling trapped and forced to be in your relationship.

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for your reply.
i already moved out (technically he threw me out because he does not like to deal with this situations or face any problems in his life) , i am asking how to be emotionally free?
when i said trapped i did not mean the place i meant trapped in the relationship,now i am still married so i can not give my emotions to any other man and i can not let any other man give me his emotions so i will be living alone the rest of my life without sharing my life with any other man.
i wrote here in the first place because you all almost had the same experience with your spouses and i need to know how to get over this bad experience emotionally and continue with my life?

Blogger said...

How to be emotionally free. Lets see, what I did was move myself AWAY from him. I wasn't thrown out, I moved out. I didn't want to think about him, and worked on getting a divorce right away.

It's more difficult for you, because you can't get a divorce. Like my last comment, I think you should seek local counselors, they'll know what you can do.

The only way you can really be emotionally free, is to move away and end your relationship.

You don't want to stay in your last relationship because your husband won't change, right? What are your options? Legally, what can you do to end your marriage? You need to start from there, or you'll never be emotionally free because you'll always think about your marriage when trying to start a new relationship.

Anonymous said...

WELL THIS GUIDE WOULD OF HELPED ME OUT SO MUCH LIKE 6 YEARS AGO WHEN I GAVE OUT MY TRUST TO TWO PEOPLE I THOUGH WHERE MORE THAN MY HUSBAND AND MORE THAN A SISTER IN LAW, BEST FRIEND, AND I COULDVE ALMOST SWORN SHE HAD THE SAME BLOOD ASI THROUGH HER VEINS...

I KNEW THEY WHERE CLOSE BUT WAS TO BLIND TO SEE THE HURTFULL TRUTH I LIVED 6 YEARS A COMPLETE DISGUSTING AND PERFECTLY PLOTTED STAGE ACTED LIE. SHE IS HIS BROTHERS WIFE, SO WHE SHARED BIRTHDAYS, CHRISTMAS,THANKSGIVING LIVED TOGETHER IN THE SAME HOUSE, HELPED OUT IN TIMES OF NEED, TOOK HER AND HER CHILDREN TO THE HOSPITAL, DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS AS NEEDED WITHOUT EVER ASKING ANYTHING IN RETURN. I WEPED (NOT SURE IF SPELLED RIGHT) ALL MY PREGNANT EMOTIONS WITH HER, I LET HER SEE MY SON BEING BORN, I FAUGHT FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP WITH VERYTHING I HAD AND MORESO....TO HIM I PLACED MY HEART IN HIS HANDS, I GAVE MYSELF ENTIRELY IN BODY AND SOUL, AND NOW...

AFTER ALL OF THAT, I FIND MYSELF HAPPY/MISERRABLE BECAUSE EARLY ON THIS YEAR I FOUND OUT THAT HER 4TH YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS HIS, THT HER CURRENT BABY BOY MIGHT BE HIS I DONT SPEAK TO HER BUT IN SOME SENSE I CHOSSE TO STAY WITH HIM FOR THE SAKE OF MY TWO SONS AND THE BABY THAT IS ON THE WAY.....

NOT EVEN CRIYING CAN GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS I DIDNT CHOOSE TO MAKE... IM SORRY IF IM NOT HELPING OR GIVING ADVICE TO ANYONE BY ME WRITING ALL OF THIS, I GUESS I FEEL SO LONELY THAT MY ONLY WAY TO HEAL IS TO OPEN MYSELF UP, WITH THIS KEYBOARD AND COMPUTER, IN THIS BLOG...

Blogger said...

Sharing your story is a big help to future readers, thank you for that.

Choosing to vent is a great positive step towards recovering from an affair, have you considered getting counseling or taking a vacation (alone or with your spouse)?

Anonymous said...

Alright. My fiance now ex fiance claims I was emotionally cheating on her and ended everything. The reason she claims is because 1.I talked to one ex girlfriend. Now this ex girlfriend had turned into a friend. I told her all about my fiance from the start and gave her every detail about our relationship She was very happy for me. HOWEVER, when fiance and ex girlfriend talked the ex girlfriend told my fiance that she and I were still sleeping together. Now I'm pretty sure my ex fiance didnt believe that but she said I emotionally cheated on her because I hid the fact she and I texted. Because I lied bout previously being on ex girlfriends phone plan when I was broke. 2. Because the day we got engaged another ex girlfriend came out of the wood work via email and didnt believe I was really getting engaged and all that jazz. So I got her phone number and sent her the pictures of me proposing to get her to go away. She claims because I didnt tell her that was emotionally cheating. 3. She asked about someone who I had blocked on my facebook and although the answer I gave was true I left out that over a year ago on a drunk night I had kissed the girl I had blocked on my facebook. Ive started seeing a therapist at the VA and I begged her to go to couples therapy with me as well. The night after we broke up she slept with one of her ex's and I honestly dont care. If I was emotionally cheating how do I correct it? I stopped talking to everyone and anyone. I never sought out any kind of emotional stuff from anyone other than her. Shes the only person I wanted any kind of support from. When we were together she asked me to stop the extreme sports I loved so I did. Yes I hid texting with the ex girlfriend. And I had even stopped talking to her by time it all came out. I want my fiance back. But first I need to fix myself. Was I emotionally cheating? How do I get her to see that there was nobody else other than her? Emotionally or physically. I get that I should have told her. She was my fiance afterall and we were suppose to be transparent. Little advice here?

Anonymous said...

I just found out my husband of 10 years was cheating. Her husband told me, and he had proof because they had shared intimate details about their spouses that this man knew. And, there was know way for him to know those details unless my husband told someone who told him.

When I confronted my husband he initially lied, even acted angry, accused me of having an affair to think such a thing, then after hours he confessed.

He somewhat apologized but finds ways to blame me, too, after he apologizes. You know things like I did not give him enough sex, or that I did not make him feel special like she did.

This is the second time this has happened. The first husband cheated after two years with a student. I dumped him pronto. I thought my second husband was different. I thought he was an honest person and my best friend. I am devastated. We have been through a lot. I think I am a good wife, very cautious with money. Don't run up credit card bills going to the hair dresser the dermatologist and out to expensive lunches with friends.

I found that the girl he was cheating with was only interested in his money, and by his own admission was the type of women who like nice thing and to spend a lot of money on herself. Her husband is wealthy and she already has a better life than I from that respect.

In addition, she had triplets. How in Gods name does she justify leaving them with a sitter to go cheat on her children's father.

He also spent money on her fancy dinners, jewelry, fancy weekend hotels for their sexual romps. He rarely took me to pricy restaurants or bought gifts, of went to fancy hotels every weekend. I, too, wanted to save the money instead. I feel like such a fool.

He seemed to like this about her.
I am going to try to make it work. Not sure if I can ever trust him again.

One thing is certain, if we stay together, I will not be watching my pennies anymore.

If he likes fancy woman who pamper themselves, why shouldn't I be one of those types of woman. I mean if the relationship is going to work and he likes women who pamper themselves, so be it.

He claims to have left her, but I do not trust him, anymore.

He wants to make it work or so he says, so I hope I can get past this if he starts to behave.

The thing is now I feel like I have to check up on him all the time, and I hate thinking like that because I always gave him a lot of freedom and I still want to do that, but I think that was what enabled him to cheat.

He said that interacting with her made him feel good. Well, I meet men who treat me in a way that makes me feel good, too, but i don't have sex with them. I don't even pay too much attention to them so they don't get the wrong Idea.

My heart goes out to all here who thought their spouse loved them and put them above everyone, but found out otherwise.

The fact that he divulged intimate details of our lives is the part that hurts more than his having sex with her. It puts her in the realm of special confidant, rather than just whore.

I thought that special confidant was my role. It says that he cared about her for more than just sex. He keeps saying that it was just sex, but obviously it was not just sex.

Anonymous said...

Sad to say but tonight i caught mine cheating again. He was so cute, When he turned around and I was standing there. Even cuter when he told a nearby officer that i was harassing him. And oh so cute as he saw me escorted by the police out of the ball field, (someplace I never go to.) He was even cuter as I sat on the porch watching him load his crap that was in the front yard in the truck. (he begged to stay, I told him no.)And I so loved it when the same officer who escorted me from the ball field came to the house, to make sure he was not giving me any trouble. Yea he's a loser! I am done!

Blogger said...

Poster @10:43am

Thank you for sharing, I hope you do manage to get it to work.

I would re-establish boundaries. You should tell your husband everything you just shared here. That was almost the same thing my father said, when he cheated on my mother; emotional affair but tried to pass it on as "just sex".

They did work it out eventually, after some couples therapy. They're still together in their 70s and I guess it's because they laid it all out and made good on their compromises with each other.

I hope you're able to cope, and don't keep yourself from things that make you happy. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.

Blogger said...

Poster @6:51pm

If you have come completely clean, and told her everything, have you offered to make any compromises? You should be asking your fiance what SHE wants you to do.

If you think about it from her point of view, it's hard to trust someone who doesn't tell you the whole truth.

Asking her to take counseling together with you is the right step in moving forward. Just make sure you guys have established boundaries.

Like in my marriage, I say it's okay for my hubby to be around women as long as he maintains a "bubble". I don't really like it when women are touchy with him, and he's fine with our little bubble rule. It applies to both of us, and we have a set of rules. Another example would be not going out with the opposite sex alone, like an unspoken date, unless it's necessary for work/something important.

Everything is easier when you know the boundaries you should keep, and that's also what we focused on when we took couples counseling years ago.

There are also infidelity support groups, linked on the sidebar that you might be interested in. It's like an alcoholics anonymous for people dealing with infidelity. It was a great help for both of us, you should consider checking out their email list for local infidelity groups.

Blogger said...

Poster @ 1:30am

Thank you for sharing, hope you find someone who deserves you.

Anonymous said...

So my husband back then had an affair with one of the girls he deployed with.I found out through one of his "friends" there, he sent me a proof too. I didn't wait a sec but to confront him about it & after a long ass conversation on Skype he finally admitted about his affair with this slag.This woman is also married & has 3 kids.I wanted to tell her husband what she did so i found out his coordinations & told him everything. I know it takes 2 to tango & they're both to blame. After the truth came out & all of our families knew about it I moved out of the house just a week before he came back from Iraq. We have no kids together & been married for about 3 years. I calculated everything wisely during my marriage & I was right not to have kids at that age-22. Of course my ex & this woman didn't last long after they both came back. We all divorced our spouses & the slag is paying child support to her husband now because he filed for it & took custody of their kids... Karma is a bitch. My husband tried to fix things between us but I didn't have any good feelings towards him any more. Now I'm living with this "friend" who told me about my husband's cheating adventures...My ex was very angry when he heard about us. I just want to say that the guy who revealed the truth about my husband's betrayal contacted me 6 months after the divorce. I guess he was waiting for me to clean my head up & get rid of the garbage. We've been together for a good while now & He has a year left in the corps & then he's done with them. He also recently graduated from the police academy & got a really nice job. I'm not thinking about marriage or anything for now. I like how things work between us & don't want to change a thing. My ex tried to separate us with nasty threats but unsuccessfully, I was done with him for good. By the way I'm pregnant with a baby boy (2 months to go) & when I went to Walmart the other day I saw him right there in front of me, he was surprised that I was preggo, he came to me, looked at my belly & said ' nice to see you've been busy screwing around with that fag" I was so shocked... but told him back that I wasn't the one who betrayes vows & promises... so he just stood there looking angry & then walked away. He screwed up not me & i didn't want to work out things between us because he destroyed everything I felt & had for him, like trust, respect just a few to mention. HE WAS INSIDE THIS WOMAN. It made me sick to my stomach then. Anyway NOW IM HAPPY AND moving with my babe within a month to our new house far away from the drama & evil eyes. I still get abusive messages on Fb from his marine friends & family but Im over all of them. Im not going to take the blame for his mistakes!! I'm in a process of deleting my past (emails, web pages everything ) & create new ones. NEW FRESH START FOR ME & MY 2 BABIES!!

Blogger said...

Good for you, keep away from toxic people. They want nothing more than to ruin your new found happiness.

BTW you can have them arrested for harassing you, even online. Or at least get them banned in facebook for harassment.

Don't spend your time on anything those miserable people say, they just want to bring you down to their level.

Anonymous said...

well i thought i was the only one facing this i have two children and i caught my husband the first time whn i was 5months pregnant with my elder child he was having an affair with ex thn he promised me tht he wouldn't do anything like tht again then i gave him a chance then i caught him my elder daughter was 3 months old he swore on his child tht he wont do it again then i caught him alive outside cinema whn my daughter was 11 months old whn i saw him i fell apart i still tried to make out realtionship work so we then the last time i caught him whn my second child was 6month and my youger child is 12month and my elder child is 3years old we have been married for 4 years and thing have still not worked i have noone in the world i had my mum she passed away whn she found out what kind of life i am living he still hasent change the last time i caught is email said everything clearly he wants to sleep with tht girl and we go out he doesnt find me intresting and things he says whn we have an argument it hurts more thn anything im only staying with this man just coz of my 2 girls and he has no shame he doesnt want me here he always tries his best to be worki ng away aswell as we have stopped having sexual realtioship has also stopped we are staying together like two strangers

Blogger said...

"i have noone in the world"

You always have your children. Have you tried contacting any of your siblings/relatives/friends?

Have you asked your spouse to go to a counseling session with you?

Besides telling him to stop cheating on you, and him saying he "will", what have you done to fix your marriage problems?

"we are staying together like two strangers"

I truly believe it is better for you to be on your own instead of torturing yourself by allowing this man to cheat on you, then lie about change repeatedly. You will be better off alone. You can still raise your kids and agree to have equal amounts of time with them, but just separately.

Think about it from your kids perspective. Would you rather have your mom living with your father, and be miserable because he repeatedly cheats on her? You need to make yourself happy, I would suggest you start looking for a marriage counselor and asking your husband to go with you.

If he doesn't want to, and won't compromise in any other ways YOU want him to, I would just get a divorce. You shouldn't be miserable for your kids sake, my mother did this for us (her kids). And it broke my heart every time I saw my mom crying. I knew about the affairs, but she didn't tell us until we were older, because she didn't want her kids hating their father.

We knew anyway, and we eventually stopped talking to our dad. We just talk to him when it's necessary, because we all hated what he did to our mother. Don't let it get to this point, just find happiness for yourself, while taking care of your children. It might sound selfish to some people, but they don't know how it feels being cheated on repeatedly and feeling helplessly alone.

ThisShallPass said...

My husband and I have been married since May 2011. We have a 9 month old son and for the past 3 months have been trying for another baby. I thought all was well except my husband stopped being as affectionate as he used to be. His work is a franchise and was recently bought by someone else so I assumed he was just stressed about work. Then about 10 days ago, he started beig extremely mean to me and ignoring me and refused to be affectionate at all. Then 2 days ago, he comes home, sits me down as says "I do love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you. I haven't cheated, I don't want to cheat but I do have feelings for (a female coworker, I had suspected this for a while but I shall leave her nameless since my husband says neither have pursued anything and she is unaware of his feelings). I hate myself for feeling this way, I'm not even sure what these feelings are but I respect you too much to not e honest with you. I have been horrible to you because I reasoned that if I pushed you away, I would be protectin you and I hate hurting you" I've since discovered he was giving her lifts to and from work behind my back (after I asked him not to because she was the reason another coworkers marriage ended. Well done to her, a wife, a 3 yr old and 1 month old were kicked out for her) and they were taking their lunch breaks together. he's apologised, acknowledges it was wrong and says "I want to be with you, I love you" however I feel him pulling away from me. I didn't expect normality straight away but since it was him who has done me wrong, I thought he would be making more of an effort? He says he's not going to give her lifts or have lunch with her anymore, he showed me in his phone that he doesn't even have her number and they don't text/call or socialise outside of work. He's taking holidays from work for "us time" but I just feel like he's disappointed that I would try to forgive him and rebuild our marriage. He keeps saying "I'll try but I'm not making any promises that we'll work out" Any advice?

Blogger said...

ThisShallPass,

Have you told him that you feel him pulling away, despite him saying he wants to be with you?

I think you should either talk it out, or take counseling because it seems your husband is willing to do work, but is distracted by the homewrecker.

I would tell him to avoid all unnecessary contact, and act all professional. Not exactly the "cold shoulder", but a polite work etiquette.


I'm so sorry for the delay, your comment was lost in spam. It's getting hectic keeping up with real life and monitoring people's comments.

I hope you've worked it out with your husband. Good luck, and keep seeking out other people's experiences.

Anonymous said...

My husband of eleven years whom I have four children with is now (I believe) having an emotional affair with my sister. They work together and my sister does not drive so my husband picks her up every shift they work together and drives her back home. When they work together they are ALWAYS late getting off or getting home, and they will both ignore their phones when I call to see why they are running so late. I've confronted him and he flipped out but I said how they are always late and ignore my calls when ppl say rude things about my sister at work he always defends her. when he's home all he talks about is her and her kids and tries to make plans to do things with her kids (their father is not around) but when our kids want his attention he gets shitty and don't have time for them. He has told me in the past she is hot and if we wouldn't of got together he would of tried making a move on her when her and her kids father split. so yeah I think their is something going on. And i'm to the point i'm ready to say f**k them both and take my kids and move on with my life. I don't need this damn drama. And this is not the first time 9 years ago he cheated on me with some one else and 8 1/2 years ago he made out w/ my "bestfriend" and one of her friends. so yeah I have NO trust.

Got no one who'll listen to your problems? Or we can email. I may not always be prompt but I ALWAYS reply. Shoot an email to Kris (catchacheateradmin at gmail dot com).

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