How do I confront my spouse about internet cheating?

Another reader asks about internet affairs/internet cheating. As previously mentioned, internet cheating could be two things, an emotional affair, or another form of pornography when webcams are involved. Either case, they are both wrong, with emotional affairs being more dangerous than the actual "camming".

You confront a spouse having an emotional affair the same way you would a spouse that's having a regular "real" physical affair. You tell your spouse that he or she is cheating on you, and they have to stop their emotional affair. Are you sure they are in an emotional affair or are they just talking a lot? See the linked article on the difference between friendship and emotional affairs.

About the webcam cheating, most spouses justify this as just another type of porn, but really it can turn into relationship breakers when people start wanting to meet each other once they are comfortable online. The key to stopping this is finding a compromise. Ask your spouse what you can do to make them stop their internet affair/inappropriate activities online, and follow through. If both of you find a compromise, problem solved. If your spouse continues to cheat on you online, you may need to have more talks about your relationship and it's future.

Internet cheating or internet affairs usually start from three things. An online chatroom, a cheating spouse forum (yes, there are forums dedicated for just that, cheating on your spouse), and anonymous cam sites (usually ends up in skype exchanges). A lot of people actually make their living helping unsatisfied husbands/houswives by giving them ways to start an affair, specifically sites like ashleymadison.com. Think of plentyoffish.com, but dedicated to men and women who are willing to cheat and are actively seeking cheating partners. If you see this website in your internet browsing history, immediately confront your spouse.

Don't be afraid to put your foot down and tell them that you will end your relationship if they don't stop their emotional/internet affairs. And you really should not put up with being emotionally abused by a cheating spouse. If they don't want to compromise, set an appointment for marriage counseling and get a professional to help you. If your spouse still won't take marriage counseling seriously, they aren't taking you and your relationship seriously. Getting a divorce isn't always something negative, and you may want to consider it if you are living your life in a miserable relationship.

How To Spot An Internet Affair

Here are some signs of a cheating spouse on the internet :

• When your spouse is using the computer or laptop, and you come in the room, they either stop using it, hide their screen, or minimize whatever they were doing.
• After using the computer, your spouse clears the internet browsing history. This should making you wonder why they are hiding what they were doing. I'll post something about how you can check your internet browsing history in another article in case you don't know how. *Update* it's linked below.
• Most people in a long term relationship, or who have been married for a long time, know each other's password. If you've known your spouse's password ever since, but it stopped working when you tried to access their email, or social sites, they may be hiding something.
• You discovered a new email that they never told you about, or a new social site such as a facebook page, even if they already have one.A worse thing, that should probably be met with confrontation, is discovering your spouse joined a dating site.
• Unknown credit card charges start appearing in your bills. Dating sites, or adult sites commonly mask their site names when charging a credit card. They do this to protect the privacy of their members. Ask your spouse about it, then google the exact name you found on the bill to confirm whether or not your spouse is lying.
• Very experienced, and tech savvy cheaters will create a new user account on your computer. They will mostly make their accounts the administrator of the computer, so guest accounts can't check up on their sites or install software keyloggers or any type of spyware to monitor their internet activities. There's usually no solution to this unless you too have access to the administrator account.

Is your husband or wife hiding their internet browsing history? Read this article to learn how to Track your Spouse's Internet Browsing History

If you are miserable in your relationship, I suggest thinking about getting a divorce.

Begging Forgiveness - Don't Do It

Don't be pathetic. Begging for forgiveness is the same as begging for money. Why would you be given something more valuable than money, people's trust, when you don't deserve it?

If you want to be forgiven for something stupid you've done to your relationship, (cheating, emotional affairs) you should EARN it. Here are some ways to earn back your partners trust.

1. Accept that you made a mistake, and listen to your spouse's demands. Do it even if it doesn't seem reasonable (within limits).

2. VOLUNTEER to go to marriage conseling. This will save up so much trouble and drama. You don't want drama.

3. Never be a know-it-all in this type of situation. Don't pretend you know why this happened and how to avoid it. You don't. You got caught cheating and now you must face the music.

4. "I did it because you didn't do X for me. I had to get X from somewhere else. It's not my fault I" anything that sounds remotely like this is the most pathetic thing a cheating spouse who got caught can do. I'm guessing you've all seen this on an episode or two of Cheaters (the show with Joey Greco).

5. When participating in one of the activities your husband or wife has planned, don't "drag your feet" or be constantly letting her know how horrible the experience is and it's not affecting anything. That won't help and build up even more negativity between both of you.

6. Remember anytime that you both were enjoying your time together, and recreate that moment. Enjoyed a trip together? Go on a trip together. You may even consider booking a couples retreat, specifically ones to help couples suffering from midlife crisis.

7. Don't assume your spouse will forgive you. Some husbands and wives stick to bad relationships for the sheer love of their children.

When to think about divorcing your spouse?

Since this blog started, there have been around 300 comments, and most of these comments have been people stating that they are "so miserable", but still "want to make it work".This is NOT how a relationship should be, and maybe you should consider getting a divorce. You might be thinking "what?? a divorce? It's not serious, I can deal with it." right? My question to you is why do you think divorce is a bad thing for you? Divorce is almost always a good thing for you, maybe a good thing for your children as well in the long run

Why is divorce a good thing?

1. There has been zero happy relationships that have been ended because of a divorce.That's the truth. I don't think there are any truly happy relationships that have been ended by a divorce. A divorce is a good thing because if you are thinking of one, you are most probably in an awful relationship with a partner who refuses to change.

2. Raising children in an unhappy marriage will affect them negatively a lot more than raising children as a single parent. I know alot of single moms and single dads whose children grow up happy and live "normal" lives. I don't know a single child who grew up happy living under a roof where their parents are constantly fighting and yelling at each other. It's abusive to you and your children if you keep living a miserable life. The key to being happy in a relationship, or life even, is not being miserable and having to live with something you don't have to.

3. It is very liberating. Especially if you had to sacrifice to keep a relationship going, while your spouse never reciprocated. After a divorce you can just focus on you, or you and your kids if you have any. It's not the end of the world, it's just the end of a bad relationship. No more having to blame yourself, no more having to put up with things you were forced to put up with. It's just you focusing on you and how to improve the quality of your life.


Here's a few scenarios where you SHOULD consider ending your relationship with a nice quick divorce.

1. You caught your spouse cheating. They promised to do this and that, but when it comes time do what they said, you get little to no action. If your spouse has even the tiniest bit of respect for you and values your relationship, they'd at least bother to go to marriage counseling with you at least ONCE.

2. Your spouse is overly flirts and you confronted them about it. They repeatedly shrug it off and say "it's nothing", even though it is against marriage and a disrespect to you as a person when they flirt with someone else. If your spouse refuses to even consider talking about this, then you can be sure if an opportunity to have an emotional affair rears itself, your spouse will most likely take it. Overly flirting and undermining YOUR needs and the boundaries of your marriage is a sign that your relationship maybe on the rocks. Especially if this is the first time you've had your relationship "tested" and a compromise needed to be made.

3. You are sick of being lied to. Getting lied to a couple of times, maybe you could look passed that. Getting lied to for years, I say divorce your spouse. To quote possibly the most intelligent man who has ever lived on the planet Earth, "Insanity : doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."- Albert Einstein


Just remember that if it feels like you're forcing it to work, you probably are. It won't last if you're the only one trying to save your marriage.

Save Your Marriage or Ditch it?

When should you consider ending or saving your marriage?

Let's face it, even if you love your spouse with all your heart, you should accept the possibility that you have fallen for the wrong person. It's pointless thinking "how can I save my marriage" over and over and over if your spouse is unwilling. Even if you unconditionally love your husband or wife, if they don't want to be with you there is no way to keep them, and you'll have to accept that. That's as blunt as I can put it, a partnership is only a partnership if both people want it to be a partnership. All the love in the world won't save your marriage if it's coming from only one person in the relationship.

Don't even read any further if you feel that your spouse is not cooperative, has no will to save your marriage, or you simply feel they do not care one iota about what is happening to you and your family. Just look for a divorce lawyer and save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy crying over nothing. I say nothing because there really is nothing about it that you can do. Don't want to snap out of your delusional bubble just because I said so? Go and take a look at the country's(for America at least) divorce rate. If your spouse doesn't want you, go right ahead and leave him/her. They probably never deserved you in the first place anyway. Save your unconditional love for someone worth it.

According to an article in Time Magazine, Jennifer Baker, director of the marriage- and family-therapy programs at Forest Institute, says that the divorce rate is a tricky statistic, and said that the 50% of all marriages statistic is not accurate at all.

Here's some interesting statistics taken from divorce experts on the Time article :

"23% of college graduates who married in the '70s split within 10 years."

"49% of those who married young and did so without a degree lasted 20 years."

I'm sure those statistics did not care to include how many spouses were in "forced relationships", or who just didn't want to end the relationship no matter how unhappy they were. I'm not trying to be mean, but think about how much happier you would be in a relationship where both of you love each other. If you're the only one giving love that is not a real marriage and you should stop trying to save your marriage, and just end it.

"My spouse cheated on me, can we still save our marriage?"
That would depend on your husband or wife, are they willing to work on saving your marriage? Do they accept what YOU want to do to save your marriage? Are they compromising, accepting, or making excuses for cheating on you?

A sign that you can still save your marriage is that your spouse is agreeing with you when you say you want to go to marriage counseling. Your husband or wife should agree to anything you say to help steer the direction of your marriage towards repairing trust. Marriage counseling is what you need, aside from being honest with each other. For some people who can't afford to pay for marriage counseling, I suggest saving up for it. Even just a few sessions of marriage counseling. I can't give you a price because it differs from area to area, but if you are seriously wanting to save your relationship and avoid divorce, go to Google.com and search "Marriage counseling *your city*".


Alternatives to Marriage counseling
We live in the age of the internet, so you probably have thought of looking up online marriage counseling. If you haven't yet, those do exist. Some call it "telecounseling", it's usually for people who do not want to be seen at a "shrink", or just people who are strapped for cash. It's a cheaper, private alternative for marriage counseling. What I can recommend is you try out this eCourse on saving your marriage, by Dr Gunzburz. It's alot cheaper than going to an actual marriage counseling course in real life.

If you are not going to take this ecourse seriously, don't bother signing up. Just drag your spouse to a marriage counselor when you can afford to (which you also need to treat seriously). It's still worth taking a look at the testimonials from couples they have helped. The course is called "Save My Marriage Today" by Amy Waterman, and the link above is the "Blue Print For Saving Your Marriage" by Dr. Gunzburg.

I recommend Dr. Gunzburg because they also offer one on one online coaching sessions, and both their courses, save your marriage and how to survive an affair, are focused on the individual and then the couple; so each of you will get your own assignments and workbook that you will need to complete.

On the other hand, if you chose to ditch your marriage instead of save it, stay tuned for the divorce article with tips on how to do your own divorce and how not to lose your possessions in a bad divorce.

How to save your marriage

1. Marriage counseling - You need to drop your pre-defined notion of what people do in marriage counseling and just go. These are professionals who will help save your marriage. There are also other courses, for divorced people who want to make sure their kids get the best support before, during and after a divorce. For alternatives to this method, see the above links for the online marriage counseling courses.

2. Couples retreat - Same as marriage counseling but you dedicate a whole week, or more sometimes, to get away from it all and go to a place that will destress you both. I'd recommend this much more than just finding a local marriage counselor because in normal marriage counseling, you just head on over to your local marriage counselor, finish your session, or group session if you opted for that, then head on back home. In a regular troubled marriage, it is very stressful in the house and there is lots of tension, especially after a bout with infidelity. In a couples retreat, it's a long period of time where you get to spend AND enjoy time with your loved one. The benefits far outweigh the price couples retreats have over regular counseling. It also makes for a good "surprise gift" if your relationship is in the dumps, but not yet to the point you both are thinking of ending it.

3. Compromise and Planning - Set aside a day for the sole purpose of compromise and planning. Take a day off from work if you have to. This is important and you should treat it as important. This is something you can do as a couple with no help from a professional marriage counselor. List down the things that are causing problems in your relationship and thoroughly discuss it. You should each give a reason why it is causing problems, and what you are willing to do. When my husband and I were having problems, we did this right before going to a couples retreat, which we also again did there.

What I wanted a compromise for was his boundaries with the opposite sex, because he had one workmate who was flirting with him and was getting touchy. I told him that he should not allow other women to be touchy with him, same thing I do and not allow any other man but him to be touchy with me. I told him it makes me feel jealous and he should only allow that with me, his wife. He said he didn't even consider it hurtful and he didn't know I got jealous, and he agreed. It was that simple to get rid of flirting. They're still friends up to now, but there's just no more flirty-touching going on. The reason we went to couples retreat was because we wanted to strengthen our relationship, not exactly save it because we are doing fine. In the retreat we learned to appreciate one another more and made a plan on how to deal with little insecurities that usually end up in small fights.

Unfortunately for my first marriage, my then husband was unwilling to change ANYTHING, and I was unwilling to accept being a doormat and changing everything for him. I divorced my first husband, and my husband now (Mike), understands how I feel more than anyone else because he too was a victim of infidelity. Although we from time to time have problems, it's nothing we can't fix, and ultimately we are both very happy together.

4. Honesty - It's as simple as that. Just be honest with each other. If you have trust issues because you have been cheated on, you will HAVE to open up again and trust your spouse. Slowly, but surely trust in your spouse. A marriage counselor will help quicken this development, but it will still be up to you whether you believe your spouse can be trusted again or not.

No amount of counseling or retreats will convince someone who doesn't want to believe their spouse is capable of change. For those people, you should think about getting a divorce. Don't look at divorce as something negative. If you are MISERABLE in your relationship, divorce is a GOOD thing.