So you got caught(serves you right), and now you're thinking s/he is always going to think I'm a cheating husband/wife, what can I do to gain their trust back? Here are some things you should know if you want to genuinely save your marriage and repair the broken trust. And of course never cheat again.
Common things cheating spouses say or do after they get caught :
I love you. Sure it's sweet when you say it when YOU DON'T CHEAT, but it's just not going to cut it after you cheat on your spouse. You might even incite a meltdown or get your spouse to yell at you for saying that after you did the opposite of what a lover does. Don't do this.
It's not that I X it's because you think Y. NEVER EVER try to convince, argue or talk your way out of an affair. Your husband or wife will never change their feelings on what happened, especially if they caught you with evidence from a cellphone spy, or video cam. You'd have to be extremely dense to even attempt to do this after you got caught cheating.
Be over the top. Try to imply your spouse is exaggerating what happened, it was just sex I don't love her, or it was nothing you're being too sensitive about this, I didn't cheat on you, we just used the phone. Do this and you will most likely never get his or her trust back.
Overly Pessimistic. If you get caught cheating and you act overly pessimistic and think you will never gain her trust back and save your marriage, you will never gain your trust back and save your marriage. You are at fault, and you have to earn her trust back. Don't act like this, and you will eventually gain it back.
Blaming your spouse. Probably the most common of all the after affair responses, the blame game. Hasn't work, will never work, don't even try it.
Acting depressed and threatening suicide. May work for a short period of time, but not because you fixed the consequences of your affair, but because you guilted him/her into staying with you. What are you going to do when your spouse stay with you until you are better, then leaves you after that, threaten to suicide again? That won't work, don't be pathetic and do this. Suicide is cowards.
Involving relatives to help persuade your spouse. No. Just don't do this. You shouldn't try to persuade your spouse that everything is okay even if you cheated, which makes involving relatives to help persuade them even more a wrong move. You may even get your spouse to leave the house. You are just asking for a divorce.
Lies. "I really won't cheat on you anymore" "This is the last time I do X and I won't even talk to Y anymore". This is just wrong, do not do this. Anyone who has been cheated on knows that your words won't mean anything until you gain trust back. How do you gain trust back? Actions, not words. You can sweet talk your husband or wife all you want, if you don't show improvements in action you aren't going to see improvements in trust.
Believing everything will be okay. You go to church, confess your sins, and then think everything will magically be alright when you get home. Sorry, god won't do anything for you. It's like people praying for a car, or a new house, or more money. Just won't work.
Bribing your spouse. You start buying your spouse things, you start doing things for your spouse you don't normally do, you say you'll do anything to make it up. Not going to work. If your spouse tells you to go to marriage counseling with her, you better go. That's a positive step, but just buying your wife/husband new things won't do anything.
Those are the things to avoid doing after you've cheated on your loved one, now here are some things that will actually help :
Accept that YOU were wrong. If you've been cheated on by your husband or wife, you know how painful it feels. Blaming them will cause them even more pain. When your spouse is so depressed and they feel like there's nothing else BUT depression, they will do what any human would do, cut you out of their lives. So don't blame them.
Accept what they want to do. If your spouse loves you enough to stay with you after you have betrayed their trust, accept what they want you to do. You shouldn't haggle or beg, accept. They want you to come home at 7PM, accept that and do it. They want you to attend marriage counselling with them once a week? Accept that. They want you to send them a text message once in a while whenever you have free time? Do it, I don't see why you wouldn't want to talk to your spouse, you did marry that person.
Tell your wife or husband what caused the affair. Sometimes this can be something as simple as that. You were not getting X so you went to Y to get X. After telling your spouse this, DO NOT FORCE YOUR SPOUSE to do it, find a compromise. If you can't find a compromise, wait it out and try again. You should know that someone who has been cheated feels very vulnerable, depressed, and USED. So let him or her come to terms with the affair you had, and s/he'll most likely want to find even ground.
Act happy. Yes, even if you aren't. When s/he makes you do something, do it and act happy. Don't feel like you are forced to do any of it, and do it like it was your idea and you want to do it. If you accept everything she wants to do, but do it in a manner that implies you hate doing it, you may as well get a divorce and save both of you the time.
Are you willing to do all of these? Or do you want to get a divorce? You should think about that because cheating on someone twice, or staying with them til you can find someone better is just cruel and a waste of time for your spouse.
If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, you might want to read this book or even enroll at an online course. You could also contact a local marriage counselor by googling "marriage counseling *your location*". Nothing says you are serious about saving your marriage more than actions. Reading a book on how to save your marriage, enrolling in a course, or telling your spouse you were wrong and want to take her to a local marriage counselor is one of the best ways to make up for having an affair.
Common things cheating spouses say or do after they get caught :
I love you. Sure it's sweet when you say it when YOU DON'T CHEAT, but it's just not going to cut it after you cheat on your spouse. You might even incite a meltdown or get your spouse to yell at you for saying that after you did the opposite of what a lover does. Don't do this.
It's not that I X it's because you think Y. NEVER EVER try to convince, argue or talk your way out of an affair. Your husband or wife will never change their feelings on what happened, especially if they caught you with evidence from a cellphone spy, or video cam. You'd have to be extremely dense to even attempt to do this after you got caught cheating.
Be over the top. Try to imply your spouse is exaggerating what happened, it was just sex I don't love her, or it was nothing you're being too sensitive about this, I didn't cheat on you, we just used the phone. Do this and you will most likely never get his or her trust back.
Overly Pessimistic. If you get caught cheating and you act overly pessimistic and think you will never gain her trust back and save your marriage, you will never gain your trust back and save your marriage. You are at fault, and you have to earn her trust back. Don't act like this, and you will eventually gain it back.
Blaming your spouse. Probably the most common of all the after affair responses, the blame game. Hasn't work, will never work, don't even try it.
Acting depressed and threatening suicide. May work for a short period of time, but not because you fixed the consequences of your affair, but because you guilted him/her into staying with you. What are you going to do when your spouse stay with you until you are better, then leaves you after that, threaten to suicide again? That won't work, don't be pathetic and do this. Suicide is cowards.
Involving relatives to help persuade your spouse. No. Just don't do this. You shouldn't try to persuade your spouse that everything is okay even if you cheated, which makes involving relatives to help persuade them even more a wrong move. You may even get your spouse to leave the house. You are just asking for a divorce.
Lies. "I really won't cheat on you anymore" "This is the last time I do X and I won't even talk to Y anymore". This is just wrong, do not do this. Anyone who has been cheated on knows that your words won't mean anything until you gain trust back. How do you gain trust back? Actions, not words. You can sweet talk your husband or wife all you want, if you don't show improvements in action you aren't going to see improvements in trust.
Believing everything will be okay. You go to church, confess your sins, and then think everything will magically be alright when you get home. Sorry, god won't do anything for you. It's like people praying for a car, or a new house, or more money. Just won't work.
Bribing your spouse. You start buying your spouse things, you start doing things for your spouse you don't normally do, you say you'll do anything to make it up. Not going to work. If your spouse tells you to go to marriage counseling with her, you better go. That's a positive step, but just buying your wife/husband new things won't do anything.
Those are the things to avoid doing after you've cheated on your loved one, now here are some things that will actually help :
Accept that YOU were wrong. If you've been cheated on by your husband or wife, you know how painful it feels. Blaming them will cause them even more pain. When your spouse is so depressed and they feel like there's nothing else BUT depression, they will do what any human would do, cut you out of their lives. So don't blame them.
Accept what they want to do. If your spouse loves you enough to stay with you after you have betrayed their trust, accept what they want you to do. You shouldn't haggle or beg, accept. They want you to come home at 7PM, accept that and do it. They want you to attend marriage counselling with them once a week? Accept that. They want you to send them a text message once in a while whenever you have free time? Do it, I don't see why you wouldn't want to talk to your spouse, you did marry that person.
Tell your wife or husband what caused the affair. Sometimes this can be something as simple as that. You were not getting X so you went to Y to get X. After telling your spouse this, DO NOT FORCE YOUR SPOUSE to do it, find a compromise. If you can't find a compromise, wait it out and try again. You should know that someone who has been cheated feels very vulnerable, depressed, and USED. So let him or her come to terms with the affair you had, and s/he'll most likely want to find even ground.
Act happy. Yes, even if you aren't. When s/he makes you do something, do it and act happy. Don't feel like you are forced to do any of it, and do it like it was your idea and you want to do it. If you accept everything she wants to do, but do it in a manner that implies you hate doing it, you may as well get a divorce and save both of you the time.
Are you willing to do all of these? Or do you want to get a divorce? You should think about that because cheating on someone twice, or staying with them til you can find someone better is just cruel and a waste of time for your spouse.
If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, you might want to read this book or even enroll at an online course. You could also contact a local marriage counselor by googling "marriage counseling *your location*". Nothing says you are serious about saving your marriage more than actions. Reading a book on how to save your marriage, enrolling in a course, or telling your spouse you were wrong and want to take her to a local marriage counselor is one of the best ways to make up for having an affair.
4 comments:
what to do when you are caught cheating but you want to end the relationship?
i don't want to be cruel but my girlfriend is a controlling manipulative bit**
I cheated on my wife and I'm never going to do it again. She never found out and I feel horrid. Would it be selfish to tell her just so I stop the guilt Im feeling?
Poster @9:19
Then straight out tell her you want the relationship to end. Don't cheat on your girlfriend and get caught on purpose to end the relationship, that's just stupid and mean.
Poster @4:26
It would be selfish, yes, if that's your only intent. It wouldn't be selfish if you want to start on a clean slate. She WILL get mad, a lot, and lose trust in you, but the sooner you deal with it the better.
Time will eventually heal the broken trust, but if she finds out YEARS later, you will have little to no chance of gaining her trust back. It's best your wife finds out you cheated on her right away, tell her you made a mistake and have been feeling horrible about it, and you will never do it again. Then agree to whatever she wants to do. You have no right to ask for a compromise because you cheated on her, just agree to marriage counseling, or whatever she wants done to right your wrong.
Did you cheat on your spouse and never got caught? How guilty is it making you feel? I don't feel guilty one bit.
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